If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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