Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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