Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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