So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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