Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
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He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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