Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
