Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
