Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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