this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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