i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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