He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
