i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
50% drunk capacity currently
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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