We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
