i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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