I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize