it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also, beer. Big fan.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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