dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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