Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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