There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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