I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
