the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm really busy with my period
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