You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
