R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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