i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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