she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
