You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
