i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
