the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How naked do you want me to be?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
