Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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