Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
try to milk me bitch
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
