I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
