i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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