i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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