how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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