I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize