She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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