Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
