Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
