Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
