this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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