so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
