Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
