Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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