If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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