A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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