Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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