Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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