Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
