Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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