So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
