I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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