you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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