My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
