I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
