Define "chronic" masturbator.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
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Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck