im about as happy as oj after his trial
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!