I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room