I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
