she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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