drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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