'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
