gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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