i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
