i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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